"my Precious". That hit me. I quit smoking ( miraculously) in December, the 14th to be exact, when my very best ( only) friend of 32 years died. He had many serious health issues, but what took him out was IPF. Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. He never smoked...yet his lungs betrayed him. I never heard coughing like that. He was on a VERY expensive drug for it and 24/7 oxygen ; the maximum amount. He basically drowned in the mucus his body could never expel. He suffered, and it was SO hard to see that. I was a pack a day ( sometimes more under particularly trying times) smoker for a very long time. I went to smoking cessation classes, used the gum, read Carr's book, but nothing eased my cravings. I considered a fresh pack of smokes "20 old friends". Pathetic. But....Im also an alcoholic, a compulsive eater and shopper and, for a while, relationships. Addiction is no stranger.
But that awful day when my friend died? I absolutely couldn't smoke a cigarette. I couldn't dishonor this man whom I loved and trusted so completely by abusing my lungs. I felt guilty enough for still smoking around him before his illness became so bad he could no longer live alone. He had moved from NYC to TX to live with his sister and her family in his final three years. It's not yet 6 months since his passing, and I haven't wavered. Ive had cravings, sure...but i won't give in. A bonus is that I'm also saving about 400 bucks a month! I never wanted to do the math, but here in NY, my brand ( Virgina Slim menthol 120's) shot up to 17 bucks a pack!! I am sober from alcohol for over a year and a half, now free of the nicotine monkey on my back, and know how proud of me my friend would be. I still eat too much but hey...one thing at a time!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. When I worked in hospice, one of the patients was dying of lung cancer. I will never forget the scared and desperate look on his face as he gasped for air. It was like there was never enough of it. I fear for all the young ones who are addicted to nicotine vapes. The lungs are such a delicate and vital organ. It’s crazy that this stuff is still being sold. A product intended to create addiction. Fucking insane. Congratulations on slaying your demons. We take them down one by one, right? Just the same way we picked them up.
I saved one last cigarette. Not to smoke but to keep on my altar. I wrote "you deserve better" on the side of it with permanent marker and look at it every time I have a craving. For me, a drink leads to a cigarette, leads to a drink (and probably leads to casual sex and shoplifting and cocaine but that's another story!)
I'll get to the cigarettes but first -Contempo Casuals! I was hooked to that store way before the Newport Lights took hold of me. lol
I loved smoking. I only quit because I got pregnant with Nate 18 years ago. I never picked it back up because I didn't trust myself enough to just dabble. My husband and I joke that if we make it to 85, we will let ourselves smoke again. We're kidding (I think).
In middle school, my cousins and I used to go around and swipe my Nana's half smoked put out butts from her ashtray. How gross is that?
When I was a teen, my mom suspected I was smoking. Instead of calling me out on it, she would get her hands on my pack of cigarettes and break about half of them in half, rendering them un-smokable. I was so confused how that was happening until I finally figured it out. I wish she was as adamant about not letting me drink back then. That seemed less pernicious, sadly. It's still that way today, right?
The vaping, though. So scary that our kids have been targeted, marketing it like candy so they stay hooked. Poor Karli's beautiful lungs.
Thanks for writing about this - I forgot how hard letting nicotine go was. My dad died of lung cancer in 2020 and for years, he struggled with this addiction. I lost count of how many times he tried to kick the habit.
I am also guilty of seeking out “long butts” to smoke when we didn’t have our own packs of cigarettes. Yes, it is gross, and I think about it whenever I see a barely-smoked cigarette that has been put out.
I am so sorry cigarettes took your dad from you. Mine had a heart-attack that flatlined him and thankfully was enough of a scare to get him to quit. If that hadn’t happened, I’m almost positive he would not be with us any longer. I don’t know how we get our kids to stay away from nicotine. Mine was a swimmer and water polo player, so I thought that jock life would keep her from doing the things my bored little self did. I’m having a hard time understanding how the people who make these products justify it. It seems evil.
I’m so glad you’re writing about this right now, Julie. It’s wild to me that smoking is "cool" again (along with Zyn, etc.). Watching how hard it was for my parents to quit when I was growing up scared me away from it. And part of why my dad quit was watching his dad, my grandfather, die from lung cancer. It’s no longer cool at that stage.
I’m grateful that both of my parents were able to quit, but the vape thing is insidious and from what the kids are telling me, even more addictive than cigarettes. I have more than a little rage that they’ve got my daughter.
I got so hooked at 15. You perfectly described teenage arrogance about just about any substance. Mine was: "Those people are addicts I like smoking cigs/popping pills/drinking 5 straight every weekend night."
I went from cigs to skoal in my late 20s when I got into health and quit booze and opioid addictions. Those were killing me, liver pains from booze and I had graduated to the worst opioid. That nasty chewing tobacco shit compulsive use over 10 years led to an oral biopsy. 😱I use nicotine pouches now; with a different arrogance. It goes: I quit all the intoxicants that nearly killed me so Im entitled to nicotine. So I don't quit: my lungs are fine and I don't need to fear oral cancer and losing parts of my face to get a tumor out. Im still a slave to big tobacco companies who probably own the pouches. At the very least the nicotine is extracted from tobacco so some tobacco company somewhere is profiting from this.
But Im 19 years sober; that's much more important. Lose that I lose it all.
"my Precious". That hit me. I quit smoking ( miraculously) in December, the 14th to be exact, when my very best ( only) friend of 32 years died. He had many serious health issues, but what took him out was IPF. Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. He never smoked...yet his lungs betrayed him. I never heard coughing like that. He was on a VERY expensive drug for it and 24/7 oxygen ; the maximum amount. He basically drowned in the mucus his body could never expel. He suffered, and it was SO hard to see that. I was a pack a day ( sometimes more under particularly trying times) smoker for a very long time. I went to smoking cessation classes, used the gum, read Carr's book, but nothing eased my cravings. I considered a fresh pack of smokes "20 old friends". Pathetic. But....Im also an alcoholic, a compulsive eater and shopper and, for a while, relationships. Addiction is no stranger.
But that awful day when my friend died? I absolutely couldn't smoke a cigarette. I couldn't dishonor this man whom I loved and trusted so completely by abusing my lungs. I felt guilty enough for still smoking around him before his illness became so bad he could no longer live alone. He had moved from NYC to TX to live with his sister and her family in his final three years. It's not yet 6 months since his passing, and I haven't wavered. Ive had cravings, sure...but i won't give in. A bonus is that I'm also saving about 400 bucks a month! I never wanted to do the math, but here in NY, my brand ( Virgina Slim menthol 120's) shot up to 17 bucks a pack!! I am sober from alcohol for over a year and a half, now free of the nicotine monkey on my back, and know how proud of me my friend would be. I still eat too much but hey...one thing at a time!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. When I worked in hospice, one of the patients was dying of lung cancer. I will never forget the scared and desperate look on his face as he gasped for air. It was like there was never enough of it. I fear for all the young ones who are addicted to nicotine vapes. The lungs are such a delicate and vital organ. It’s crazy that this stuff is still being sold. A product intended to create addiction. Fucking insane. Congratulations on slaying your demons. We take them down one by one, right? Just the same way we picked them up.
I saved one last cigarette. Not to smoke but to keep on my altar. I wrote "you deserve better" on the side of it with permanent marker and look at it every time I have a craving. For me, a drink leads to a cigarette, leads to a drink (and probably leads to casual sex and shoplifting and cocaine but that's another story!)
Really appreciated this one! <3
I'll get to the cigarettes but first -Contempo Casuals! I was hooked to that store way before the Newport Lights took hold of me. lol
I loved smoking. I only quit because I got pregnant with Nate 18 years ago. I never picked it back up because I didn't trust myself enough to just dabble. My husband and I joke that if we make it to 85, we will let ourselves smoke again. We're kidding (I think).
In middle school, my cousins and I used to go around and swipe my Nana's half smoked put out butts from her ashtray. How gross is that?
When I was a teen, my mom suspected I was smoking. Instead of calling me out on it, she would get her hands on my pack of cigarettes and break about half of them in half, rendering them un-smokable. I was so confused how that was happening until I finally figured it out. I wish she was as adamant about not letting me drink back then. That seemed less pernicious, sadly. It's still that way today, right?
The vaping, though. So scary that our kids have been targeted, marketing it like candy so they stay hooked. Poor Karli's beautiful lungs.
Thanks for writing about this - I forgot how hard letting nicotine go was. My dad died of lung cancer in 2020 and for years, he struggled with this addiction. I lost count of how many times he tried to kick the habit.
I am also guilty of seeking out “long butts” to smoke when we didn’t have our own packs of cigarettes. Yes, it is gross, and I think about it whenever I see a barely-smoked cigarette that has been put out.
I am so sorry cigarettes took your dad from you. Mine had a heart-attack that flatlined him and thankfully was enough of a scare to get him to quit. If that hadn’t happened, I’m almost positive he would not be with us any longer. I don’t know how we get our kids to stay away from nicotine. Mine was a swimmer and water polo player, so I thought that jock life would keep her from doing the things my bored little self did. I’m having a hard time understanding how the people who make these products justify it. It seems evil.
I’m so glad you’re writing about this right now, Julie. It’s wild to me that smoking is "cool" again (along with Zyn, etc.). Watching how hard it was for my parents to quit when I was growing up scared me away from it. And part of why my dad quit was watching his dad, my grandfather, die from lung cancer. It’s no longer cool at that stage.
I’m grateful that both of my parents were able to quit, but the vape thing is insidious and from what the kids are telling me, even more addictive than cigarettes. I have more than a little rage that they’ve got my daughter.
I quit smoking in 1988…and I still want one sometime. If I had only six months to live I wouldn’t drink alcohol, but might get a smoke.
That really speaks to the strength of nicotine addiction. I can totally identify with that sentiment.
Same.
I got so hooked at 15. You perfectly described teenage arrogance about just about any substance. Mine was: "Those people are addicts I like smoking cigs/popping pills/drinking 5 straight every weekend night."
I went from cigs to skoal in my late 20s when I got into health and quit booze and opioid addictions. Those were killing me, liver pains from booze and I had graduated to the worst opioid. That nasty chewing tobacco shit compulsive use over 10 years led to an oral biopsy. 😱I use nicotine pouches now; with a different arrogance. It goes: I quit all the intoxicants that nearly killed me so Im entitled to nicotine. So I don't quit: my lungs are fine and I don't need to fear oral cancer and losing parts of my face to get a tumor out. Im still a slave to big tobacco companies who probably own the pouches. At the very least the nicotine is extracted from tobacco so some tobacco company somewhere is profiting from this.
But Im 19 years sober; that's much more important. Lose that I lose it all.